What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 03:21
I think the readers, may guess!
It was going to be , some day.
I will be 64.
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One cannot live in the past .
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
Have you made a female relative or friend squirt?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What is the difference in effectiveness between an infrared sauna blanket and a regular one?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ive learnt so much.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was 9 years of age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I write beautiful poetry .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I waited trembling.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was scared of men, in general
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it wasn’t much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!